The Flop: Finding out what your spouse has and wants in a divorce

The flop is when there is that first exchange of information—someone files a Petition and the other person files an Answer. 

Since every marriage is a little different, how shocking the debts and assets information is depends on how involved both parties were in the family finances.  If you both already have a handle on where you stand financially, this is just another stepping stone on the path to divorce.  If only one party handled the finances, this could be a huge stress inducer or reliever—depending on what the cards reveal. 

Maybe you didn’t know your house was underwater or that your spouse had cleaned out your savings.  Maybe you didn’t realize just how much she had built up her retirement accounts.  This is a great time to step back, absorb the new information and consider your options.

You may be convinced your spouse is hiding assets—especially if they are self-employed or your bank accounts are much smaller than you had expected.  Keep in mind that it can cost a lot of money to bring in a forensic accountant and investigate for hidden assets. If you know your spouse was underreporting income and you signed off on the joint tax returns…are you sure that’s something you want to bring up in front of a judge?  Your attorney can help you get a sense of what your options are and what you could reasonably prove in court.

This is also when you may first learn how your spouse feels you should share custody of the children.  There may be claims of physical or mental abuse, addiction issues, and mental health concerns.  Even when true, these allegations can be devastating to hear coming from someone you love or used to love.  Try to remember that if your spouse is represented, a lot of that language is (unfortunately) the attorney posturing and playing the slow-to-evolve divorce dance. 

Frankly, the older and crustier the attorney, the more likely you are to get an expensive, old-school, high-noon shootout.  Newer attorneys tend to understand that mediation and putting the children first is the way to go.  Of course, since attorneys don’t really trust other attorneys, even two peaceful attorneys are hesitant to bring a bouquet of flowers to a gun fight.  Hopefully they will at least leave the safety on until they can determine the other side’s intentions—and always carry a knife in their boot just in case.

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